This week I turned in my notice at Morning Star. Genuinely I didn’t think that could ever happen. I thought I’d make it here for the long term- outlast Scott, ride the sea of change to a church that stops demonizing the next generation and tries to reach them.
But sadly, I kept coming back to the verse- “Let us do evil that good may result”? Their condemnation is just!” Romans had it right- that if I do evil, aid in harming people, all so that I can get to the next generation of this church, then I don’t deserve to be AT the next generation of this church! Each week, we broadcast a message clearly designed (and confirmed in discussions with Scott) for the believer, and not just a believer, but one who shares the same idol as Scott of the superlative nature of conservatism. I then come on screen and host some meager conversation, but I’m limited, constrained- else I’ll be asked to step down from my role again. So instead of doing what I feel is right- starting every post-scott conversation with a repentance for the hurt we’ve caused- I discuss the trivialities, the superficialities- and that’s not healthy for the spiritual growth of anyone. I am what I loathe- remaining in the mundane, because the deep is dangerous or scary. And I’m stuck. Do I aid in harming others, or do I step away from that role, and thereby make it just a job, not a ministry? If so, what makes that any better than any other job? If I’m comparing a livelihood vs livelihood, it does come down to money and perks and benefits and how free I am to do the tasks at hand. If I’m not free to do ministry and lead people to Jesus the way I now feel called to do, then I satisfy myself with simply IT work, comparing IT job to IT job is a much more simple comparison, and I should go with the one with better pay and perks.
I firmly believe in the need and ability of the church to change, and reach this city, this country, this world. But I just can’t remain complicit in harming the faith of many in hopes for the one-day opportunity to undo that same harm. And this core truth is what breaks me, hurts me, saddens me. I want to serve Jesus. I’d be leaping at the chance to dive in to a ministry position. But if I have to hurt people to get there, to satisfy that deeper desire, then by definition I should not be the one to serve in that way.
I know that by leaving ministry at 40, going into a full time career IT job- I may find that I never get back into it. If so, I’ll be ok to love and serve Jesus freely as my conscience dictates. I’ll always dream of the “What ifs” but even if I stayed I’d do that too.
I love this church, the church- and it’s because of the amazing and huge gap between what is and what could be that I find myself so disillusioned with what I see before me.
God help me to love Scott, to root for his betterment and casting out of idols. Help me to know that I’m not better, my sins are just different- and as obvious as Scotts sins appear to me, mine are as blatant to someone else. Would I deal with mercy, love and hope for the possibility of growth, and one day be dealt the same way for my own shortcomings. And would I seek out that counsel, that growth- and not allow myself to be complacent in this life. Guard my heart, save it for only you- not my way, my will, or my thoughts. Let me love you better.